Sunday, January 18, 2015

Marge's Homemade Pepsi

The first episode of my last beloved season of The Simpsons (Season 10), is kind of ridiculous. However, it has that signature Simpson "heart-warmy-ness," that ties everything together at the end.
Lard of the Dance begins when a new girl named Alex Whitney (voiced by Lisa Kudrow) arrives at Springfield Elementary. Lisa accepts the thankless task of showing her around. Alex acts very grown up with her perfume, cell phone, and iced tea. Instead of organizing the annual Apple Pick, Lisa takes Alex's advice and organizes a school dance instead.

Your name's Lisa? Shut up, I love that name!
Then when she can't get a date for the dance, Lisa decides to stay home. That's when Marge comes in with 2 gallons of Homemade Pepsi for Lisa to take to the dance. "It's a little thick, but the price is right!"
When Marge suggests they have their own dance right there instead, Lisa decides to go to the dance after all. That's when she sees that most kids aren't as grown up as Alex. She professes that she's glad they've got 9, 10 years tops to giggle in church, chew with their mouths open, and go days without bathing! Lesson: Embrace your formative years.
Then due to Homer and Bart's antics, snowflakes of grease start falling from the vents, and all the kids have a grease "snowball" fight.



I'll admit that Marge isn't my favorite Simpson (Maggie holds that title), but I do love all her Mom moments. My favorites include "Well if loving my kids is lame, then I guess I'm just a big lame," "Park your keister, meister!" and "How about we play the basketball? I'm no Harvey Globetrotter, but... Watch out for the Shaq attack!"

This recipe for homemade Pepsi is the first of a few Marge recipes I have lined up. It's easy to make, once you've gathered all the ingredients. More than a few are kind of weird, so I've included links to where you can easily buy them.
Feel free to experiment with the ratios of syrup, caramel coloring, and club soda. If you like your Pepsi thick, just use more syrup and less club soda.

Marge's Homemade Pepsi




Makes about a 1/2 gallon


Not-So-Secret Ingredients:


For the caramel color:
  • 6 Tablespoons sugar
  • 2 Tablespoons water
  • 1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar
  • 1/2 cup water, boiling

For the cola syrup:
  • 2 cups sugar
  • 2 cups water
  • 2 Tablespoons brown sugar
  • Zest of 1 large orange
  • Zest of 1 lime
  • Zest of 1 lemon
  • 1 teaspoon coriander
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons culinary lavender
  • 1 whole star anise (with at least 5 sections)
  • 1 Tablespoon vanilla bean paste
  • 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
  • 1 teaspoon grated ginger
  • 1/4 teaspoon citric acid
  • 2 liters Club Soda



Real-Life Instructions:

  1. Make the caramel coloring first: In a small saucepan, mix together sugar and water over low heat. Stir until the sugar dissolves.
  2. Increase heat to medium-high, and bring to a boil for 2 minutes.
  3. Add cream of tartar, and continue to boil until the mixture becomes very dark, about 5 minutes more.
  4. Remove from heat and allow to cool for 10 minutes.
  5. Add boiling water, a little at a time, stirring until the caramelized sugar is completely dissolved.
  6. Set aside, and allow to cool completely.
  7. To make the cola syrup: Place all ingredients (except the club soda) in a large saucepan, and bring to a boil over medium-high heat.
  8. Reduce heat, and allow to simmer for 20 minutes.
  9. Line a sieve with 2 layers of cheesecloth, or a coffee filter.
  10. Pour the mixture through the cheesecloth (or coffee filter)-lined sieve, and strain out the solids.
  11. Gather the corners of the cheesecloth (or coffee filter), and squeeze out any extra liquid from the solids. Be careful, it's hot!
  12. Allow to cool completely.
  13. In a glass filled with ice, add 4oz cola syrup, 2 Tablespoons caramel coloring, and 8oz of club soda.
  14. Every Simpson dance now! 
This is a Lisa -Friendly recipe

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Homer's Patented Space-Age Out Of This World Moon Waffle


"Homer the Heretic" (season 4, episode 3) is indeed a classic episode.
On an especially cold Sunday morning, Homer is reluctant to go with his family to church. Ripping his stupid itchy church pants is the final straw, and he declares he's staying home.
Marge tells Bart that Homer isn't going to church with them because he's "resting." "Resting" hung-over, "resting" got fired... Marge doesn't clarify.

Having the house to himself, Homer then proceeds to have the greatest morning ever. He whizzes with the door open, sings in the shower, cusses, dances in his underwear to "Short Shorts," wins a radio call-in contest, watches some Three Stooges, and an unscheduled football game, finds a penny, and makes his Patented Space-Age Out of this World Moon Waffle.



He now has a new reigning champion as official best day of his life, and he owes it all to skipping church!
He then gives up his faith.
After Marge prays for him, he has a dream in which he meets God. This is special because he usually dreams about naked... Marge.
Yes, God has 5 fingers.
After a discussion with God, Homer decides to just live right and worship God in his own way. He calls in to work due to the feast of Maximum Occupancy, and thwarts all of the Flanders' attempts to welcome him back into the flock.

The next Sunday, Homer falls asleep with a cigar in his mouth, and sets the house on fire. After forgetting the words to the fire safety song, he passes out amongst the flames. Luckily Ned Flanders is there to save him. It's one of my favorite Flanders moments:



Why Ned wasn't in church, I'll never know.
After Homer regains consciousness, and realizes that God was working in the hearts of his friends and family that saved him, he decides to give church another try. Daaaaawww.

This recipe is for Homer's Patented Space-Age Out of this World Moon Waffle. Despite the gluttonous gross factor of liquid smoke and an entire stick of butter, I got a lot of requests for this recipe. The liquid smoke was actually kind of nice with the caramels- I'm serious! Just don't use too much, it is a little over-powering with it's "woodsy" flavor. Also, I did have almost as hard a time cleaning my waffle iron as Marge did. The only change to Homer's original recipe that I suggest is to put the waffle batter on the waffle iron first, then the caramels. And of course feel free to use less butter.

Homer's Patented Space-Age Out of This World Moon Waffle
 Makes 1







Not-So-Secret Ingredients:





Real Life Instructions:

  1. Heat waffle iron, then spray both sides with lots of non-stick cooking spray.
  2. Add amount of water listed in the instructions to pancake/waffle mix, and shake.
  3. Pour batter onto the iron.
  4. Top with caramels, and a few dashes of liquid smoke.
  5. Close lid of the waffle maker, and use your finger to enjoy the run-off.
  6. When your waffle is done, wrap it around an entire stick of butter, and skewer it with a toothpick. 
  7. If any drops onto your naked chest, just have a dog lick it off. Mmmm... Fattening.

This recipe is Lisa Friendly.

    Sunday, June 8, 2014

    Steamed Hams

    22 Short Films About Springfield is a pretty unique episode from Season 7 (episode 21 to be exact). It showcases the everyday stories of several residents of Springfield.
    The idea for the episode was inspired by the short clip at the end of  "The Front" (season 4 episode 19). It's entitled "The Adventures of Ned Flanders." They really only added it because the episode was too short.
    The theme song goes:

    Hens love roosters, geese love ganders, everyone else loves Ned Flanders! 
    (Homer): Not me! 
    Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders!

    So all the writers wrote down their 3 favorite characters, and they wrote little stories for each one. Honestly, there aren't even close to 22 stories, but the characters who are featured include Apu, Lisa, Smithers, Mr.Burns, Dr.Nick Riviera, Moe, Homer, Maggie, Chief Wiggum, Bumble Bee Man, Snake, Flanders, Rev. Lovejoy, Cletus, Comic Book Guy, and Nelson. Marge, Lionel Hutz, and Krusty's stories were cut.
    My favorite of all the featured stories is Principal Skinner and Super Nintendo Chalmers. Skinner invites Chalmers over for an unforgettable luncheon. When Skinner burns the roast, rather than fess up, he climbs out his kitchen window, buys fast food from Krusty Burger, and disguises it as his own cooking. Chalmers walks into the kitchen and questions why there is so much smoke coming from the oven. "That's not smoke!" says Skinner. "It's steam, from the steamed clams we're having. Mmmm! Steamed clams!"
    Then when Skinner walks into the dining room with a tray full of mouthwatering hamburgers, Chalmers questions what happened to the steamed clams. "Oh no! I said 'Steamed Hams!'" explains Skinner, because that's what he calls hamburgers. It's a regional dialect. What region? Upstate New York.
    Chalmers is from Utica and he's never heard the term, but that's because it's strictly an Albany expression.


    The burning roast then causes Skinner's entire kitchen to catch on fire. When Chalmers sees the flames, Skinner explains it's the Aurora Borealis. At this time of year. At this time of day. In this part of the country. Localized entirely within his kitchen. And no, Chalmers can't see it.


    I guess technically this recipe should just involve sneaking out of a window, buying hamburgers at McDonald's, and telling people they're your own patented recipe, but I think it's more fun to make the burgers yourself. I'm not going for anything real gourmet here, but they should be obviously grilled, despite the fact they're called Steamed Hams.





    Steamed Hams

    Makes 2




    No-So-Secret Ingredients:


    For the "Secret Sauce:"
    • 2 Tablespoons mayonnaise
    • 1 Tablespoon ketchup or catsup
    • 1/2 Tablespoon sweet pickle relish

      For the burger:
      • 1/2 lb ground beef
      • 2 dashes liquid smoke
      • 3 dashes Worcestershire
      • Salt
      • Pepper
      • 2 Hamburger buns
      • vegetable oil
      • Mustard
      • 2 slices cheddar cheese
      • 2 Pieces of Lettuce
      • 2 Slices of tomato
      • 6 sliced pickles
      • 2 Tablespoons diced onions
      • squirt of ketchup
      • squirt of mustard
      • 2 orders large french fries

       
      Real Life Instructions:

      1. In a small bowl, stir together mayonnaise, ketchup, and relish. Set aside.
      2. Heat up a grill or grill pan on medium-high.
      3. In a medium-sized bowl, mix ground beef with liquid smoke, Worcestershire, a sprinkle of salt and a sprinkle of pepper.
      4. Divide into 2 equal portions.
      5. Roll each portion into a ball and shape into a patty using a hamburger press. Or you can just put the meat between two pieces of wax paper, and shape it using the heel of your hand. Set aside.
      6. Toast your buns face-down on the grill, or in the dry pan for about a minute.
      7. Remove the buns, and spread each bun with a healthy amount of the mayonnaise mixture.
      8. Lightly brush the grill with vegetable oil.
      9. Place the patties on the grill, and brush the top of each with mustard.
      10. Grill your patties for about 5 minutes.
      11. Flip them over (mustard-side down), and grill for another 3 minutes,.
      12. Top each patty with a slice of cheese during the last minute on the grill.
      13. Place each cooked patty (cheese-side up) on top of the bottom bun.
      14. Top each with a slice of lettuce, and a slice of tomato.
      15. Add pickles, diced onions, ketchup, more mustard, and the top bun.
      16. Serve on a bed of fries and/or lies.
      17. Enjoy while witnessing the Northern Lights.

        This recipe is NOT Lisa Friendly

        Sunday, May 18, 2014

        The Flaming Homer



        Sometimes friends don't always act like friends.
        In the 10th episode of season 3, Moe's Tavern has hit a bit of a rough patch.
        Due to a lack of payment, the bar has no beer. So Homer tells Moe about the time he made a mixed drink for himself after his beastly sister-in-law Patty drank the last of his beer.
        He grabbed all the little bits of liquor that were left in the house, and poured them into a glass. In his haste, he accidentally grabbed a bottle of children's cough syrup.
        The drink was not without it's charm, but when Patty's cigarette ash falls into Homer's drink, igniting it, it becomes a million times better. Fire made it good.

        Homer whips up a couple of Flaming Homers and after one sip, Moe declares that it's like a party in his mouth, and everyone's invited! Moe quickly takes credit for the recipe and begins to sell the popular drink non-stop. His bar becomes more crowded than before the government cracked down on him for accepting food stamps.

        After failing to reason with Moe about giving him credit, Homer reveals the secret ingredient as cough syrup. He does this by climbing up into the rafters of the crowded bar, giggling fiendishly, and dancing around in his slippers with a bathrobe draped over half his face. Tipsy McStagger's lawyer immediately tears up the million dollar deal Moe was about to sign. Homer then falls out of the rafters and lands on Aerosmith.
        In the end, their friendship is salvageable, and everything returns to normal. 

        There are lots of various recipes out there for different crazy versions of the Flaming Moe/Homer. I tried to stay true to the episode by using odd liquors that would probably be left in a liquor cabinet after all the good stuff is gone. It's also really hard to find cough syrup with a high enough alcohol content for it to ignite, so you're going to have to float some 151 Rum on top to get a decent flame.

        Shout out to Marf for helping me take the photo!

        Please, please, please BE CAREFUL!! Before igniting this drink, make sure you have removed all other flammable items from the area, and that your hands don't have any rum on them.
        I probably don't know you, but I'm pretty sure you look better WITH eyebrows, and no skin grafts.



        The Flaming Homer
        (AKA The Flaming Moe)

        Photo by Marfa Capodanno
        Makes 1 drink


        Not-So-Secret Ingredients:


        • 1oz Sloe Gin
        • 1oz Tequila
        • 1oz Creme de Menthe
        • 1oz Blackberry Brandy
        • 1oz Pineapple Juice 
        • 1oz Cran-Grape Juice
        • splash of cough syrup
        • small amount of 151 rum

         
        Real-Life Instructions:

        1. Pour everything except the rum into a blender.
        2. Blend for 10 seconds.
        3. Pour into a thick highball glass.
        4. Hold a spoon, backside up, into the glass so that the tip of the spoon is just touching the top of the drink.
        5. Slowly pour the rum over the back of the spoon so it just floats on top of the drink.
        6. Carefully ignite the rum with a long-handled match, or butane lighter. Only allow the drink to burn for a few seconds.
        7. Remember to extinguish the flame before taking a drink.

        Virgin Moe

         
        Not-So-Secret Ingredients: 


        • 2oz Pineapple Juice
        • 3oz Cran-Grape Juice
        • Splash of cough syrup that contains alcohol -such as NyQuil (optional)
         
        Real-Life Instructions:

        1. Blend both juices, and pour into a small glass.
        2. Float cough syrup (if using) on top, ignite with a match.
        3. Extinguish flame before handing to a small child.

        This recipe is Lisa Friendly









          DISCLAIMER: Ignite this recipe at your own risk. Faberge Egg Salad is not responsible for any and all injuries occurred be it physical, mental or otherwise, while creating this drink.

          Sunday, April 20, 2014

          Frostillicus Moon Pies (what a time to be alive)


          In season 9 episode 17 Lisa The Simpson, Grandpa Simpson's Retirement Castle roommate, Jasper Beardly, decides he wants to cryogenically freeze himself. So he does what any geezer on a fixed income would do, he goes to the Kwik-E-Mart, removes all the ice cream from one section of the freezer, and climbs inside.  He leaves a note stating that he has frozen himself so that he may live to see the wonders of the future. He asks that he be thawed out when robot wives are cheap and effective, and that his pants be altered as fashion dictates.
          On the advice of Dr. Nick Riviera, Apu keeps Jasper frozen and names him "Frostillicus." He changes the name of the store to "Freak-E-Mart" and charges admission to see other oddities such as the incredible Siamese hot dog, the Frito found in a bag of Doritos, and the can of mystery (the label mysteriously vanished years ago).

          When Frostillicus accidentally thaws out, he believes he has awoken in the future. He grabs a Moon Pie off the shelf and declares "What a time to be alive."
          It's one of my favorite moments.



          NEWS FLASH: Moon Pies are delicious! They're basically two graham crackers sandwiched together with marshmallow, and drenched in chocolate. Kind of like s'mores, without the campfire.
          They were created as a convenient snack for miners in 1917 (which is why that joke is so funny). In the south, they're traditionally served with an RC Cola. They're also thrown from floats during Mardi Gras.

          Here's how to make your own:
          
          Frostillicus Moon Pies 
          (What a Time to be Alive)

          Makes 10






          No-So-Secret Ingredients:


          • 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
          • 1 cup whole-wheat flour
          • 1/2 cup wheat germ
          • 1/2 teaspoon salt
          • 1 teaspoon baking soda
          • 1 teaspoon cinnamon 
          • 2 sticks unsalted butter, room temperature
          • 3/4 cup light-brown sugar
          • 2 tablespoons honey
               
            For the Marshmallow Filling:
            • 2 egg whites
            • Pinch of cream of tartar
            • Pinch of salt
            • 2/3 cup light corn syrup
            • 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
            • 1 cup powdered sugar

            For the Chocolate Coating:
            • 1 1/2 cups dark chocolate chips
            • 1/4 cup vegetable oil



            Real-Life Instructions:


            1. Make the cookies first: Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees F. Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper, and set aside.
            2. In a medium-sized bowl, whisk together both flours, wheat germ, salt, baking soda, and cinnamon. Set aside.
            3. In the bowl of an electric mixer, beat together butter, brown sugar, and honey until pale and fluffy.
            4. Reduce speed to low, and add the flour mixture in two parts, mixing well after each addition. Your dough will be kinda crumbly. Don't worry, that's good!
            5. Divide your dough in half, and place one half onto a floured surface.
            6. Using a floured rolling pin, roll out each piece to about an 1/8 inch thick.
            7. Using a 3-4 inch round biscuit cutter, cut out circles and place them on the prepared baking sheets.
            8. Repeat with second half of dough.
            9. Refrigerate the cookies (on the baking sheets) for 10 minutes.
            10. Remove your cookies from the fridge, and bake 8-9 minutes or until golden brown.
            11. Allow to cool on the pan for 5 minutes before removing to a wire to cool completely.
            12. To Make the Marshmallow Filling: Using a mixer with the whisk attachment, beat egg whites, cream of tartar, and salt until stiff peaks form.
            13. In a small saucepan, boil the corn syrup over high heat without stirring until it registers 230 to 235 degrees F on a candy thermometer (thread ball stage).
            14. With the mixer on high speed, slowly drizzle the hot corn syrup into the egg whites, by letting it run down the inside of the bowl. 
            15. Continue to beat at high speed until glossy, about 2 minutes.
            16. Reduce the speed to medium-low, add vanilla and powdered sugar. Beat until well combined.
            17. Spoon about 1½ Tablespoons of marshmallow filling into the center of a cookie. Be careful not to use too much marshmallow, the cookie top will slide off.
            18. Top with another cookie and press lightly to spread the marshmallow to the edges. Repeat with the rest of the cookies. 
            19. To Make the Chocolate Coating: In a microwave-safe bowl, microwave chocolate and vegetable oil at 30 second increments, stirring after each increment, until completely smooth.
            20. Place the assembled cookies on a wire rack set over a sheet of wax paper.
            21. One at a time, sink each cookie sandwich into the bowl of chocolate. Then, using a fork, lift the completely coated Moon Pie from the chocolate and return it to the wire rack.
            22. Place Moon Pies into the fridge for about an hour, to allow the chocolate to set before enjoying.
            23. What a time to be alive.



            This recipe is Lisa Friendly


            Sunday, March 30, 2014

            Homer's D'oh-nuts



            Mmmmm... Donuts.
            Is there anything they can't do?
            What better way to start off this blog than with the ultimate, edible symbol of The Simpsons most beloved character. Donuts make many, many appearances throughout the series, but the classic "Simpsons" donut is usually obtained by Homer at the Kwik-E-Mart.
            Thank-you, come again!






            A few of my favorite donut moments include that huge donut saving the runaway monorail:


            Then at the Kwik-E-Mart when Homer tries to pass off a Twizzler, M&Ms, Jolly Ranchers and a Mounds bar as "sprinkles:"

            Maybe in Shangri-la.


            And of course when Homer answers Lisa's request for fruit with a donut.


            This recipe turns fantasy into a delicious reality.
            It features a classic yeast raised donut topped with a pink vanilla glaze and rainbow sprinkles.

            Homer's D'oh-Nuts

            Makes 12






             
            Not-So-Secret Ingredients:


            • 3 Tablespoons active dry yeast, divided
            • 1 cup warm milk (110 degrees)
            • 2 to 2 1/2 cups bread flour, divided
            • 2 Tablespoons sugar
            • 1/2 teaspoon salt
            • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
            • 3 egg yolks
            • 1/2 stick (4 Tablespoons) unsalted butter, room temperature
            • Vegetable oil for frying

            For the glaze:
            • 1 1/4 cups powdered sugar
            •  3 Tablespoons heavy whipping cream
            • 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
            • red food coloring
            • Rainbow Sprinkles



            Real-Life Instructions:

            1. In a large bowl, mix together 2 Tablespoons yeast and 3/4 cup warm milk.
            2. Add 3/4 cup flour and stir to create a somewhat smooth paste. 
            3. Cover the bowl with a kitchen towel, and allow to rest in a warm spot for 30 minutes.
            4. After 30 minutes, your yeast mixture should be nice and bubbly, and smell very yeasty. If it doesn't, your yeast is dead. Start over with new yeast.
            5. In the bowl of an electric mixer, mix together the remaining 1 Tablespoon yeast and 1/4 cup warm milk.
            6. Add your rested bubbly yeast mixture, sugar, salt, vanilla, and egg yolks. Mix until well combined.
            7. Add 1/2 cup of the remaining flour, and mix for about 30 seconds.
            8. Add butter and mix until well combined, about another 30 seconds.
            9. Switch to the dough hook attachment on your mixer, and add the remaining 3/4 to 1 1/4 cups flour, 1/4 cup at a time. 
            10. Once the dough is smooth, not sticky, and pulls away from the sides of the bowl (you may have flour left over), cover the bowl with plastic wrap and put it in the fridge for at least an hour, but no more than 12.
            11. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper, and set aside. 
            12. On a lightly floured surface, roll out your dough to about 1/2 an inch thick.
            13. Using a donut or biscuit cutter, cut out 3 inch rounds.
            14. Place donuts on the prepared baking sheet about 1 inch apart, and cover with more plastic wrap.
            15. Let sit in a warm spot again until they're nearly doubled in size, between 5 and 20 minutes. Test the dough about every 5 minutes, if it springs back slowly, your donuts are ready. 
            16. While your donuts are proofing, heat 2 inches of oil in a large pot until the temperature reaches 350 degrees F.
            17. Trying not to ruin their shape, transfer as many donuts that will comfortable fit, into your pot of oil. Don't overcrowd them! 
            18. Fry for 1 or 2 minutes per side, or until they reach a nice golden shade.
            19. Remove with a slotted spoon and drain on a paper towel.
            20. Allow to cool slightly before glazing. 
            21. To make the glaze: Place the powdered sugar in a small bowl. Slowly stir in the cream and vanilla. 
            22. Add 2 to 3 drops of red food coloring to achieve a happy shade of pink.
            23. Dip slightly warm donuts into the glaze, or spoon the glaze on top of your donuts, then immediately top with rainbow sprinkles. If you wait too long, your sprinkles won't stick to the glaze.
            24. Enjoy while slacking off at work.



            
            This recipe is Lisa Friendly






            Tuesday, March 25, 2014

            Howdily-Doodily!

            Welcome to my Simpsons blog!
            Have you ever wanted to try one of Homer's favorite donuts, Skittlebrau, Cactus Candy, pickled eggs from Moe's Tavern, Or Nachos Flanders Style? Well, then you've landed in the right place!

            I love love love The Simpsons (who doesn't?). I also like to cook, bake, and eat.
            My goal with this blog is to bring you fun, easy recipes inspired by specific items featured in various episodes of The Simpsons. I really only like the first 10 seasons*, so that's all I'll cover.

            So check back here regularly for recipes that will make delightful Springfield treats, into a delicious reality.






            *That being said, the name of this blog is a quote from Marge featured in Season 13, episode 11 The Bart Wants What it Wants, but I'm using it anyway.